i checked my email today and there were about 250 emails in my inbox. but here's the thing: none of them were personal. they were all either spam or mailing lists. even the emails from my brother were just big list emails informing everyone he knows that there are more pictures of his son on the web.

this makes me sad. what happened to all the delightful email friends i used to have? have you all forsaken me? just because i only check my email once a month now is no reason to stop sending them! besides, when i move into town in December, you'll all be WISHING you kept up correspondence with me, because i will be posting and emailing like a motherfucker, and y'all will be out of the loop and then when i'm famous you'll be like "i used to email with that guy" and i will totally deny it and your friends will shun you for lying and namedropping and you'll contract a rare and debilitating disease that doctors haven't bothered even trying to cure and then maybe a dead bird will fall out of the sky and land on your head, and who wants that to happen, really?

no one, that's who.

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