I'm feeling a longing right now, and I'm not really sure what for. It's a sort of meloncholic want of something I don't have. A girlfriend? A better life? A DVD player? Some sort of real connection with another person, not the sarcastic and somewhat spiteful relationships I have with my Idaho friends? I think it's that last one. My two best friends in Idaho are great guys, but the fact is there's this underlying maliciousness under our relations toward each other. We all have the habit of lying to each other, as a joke, to see if we can convince the other person of an untruth. Normally I don't extend these very long, but they have the tendency to let these "jokes" last as long as they will be believed. Anyway, it just leads to us not trusting each other.

Then there's the racial tension between us. We'll jokingly call each other racial epithets, and I'm (usually) the one who does it the most. I've tried to stop, but it's like it's expected of me to jokingly act like a bigot, and so I do. It's come to the point where I'm sure they half-think I'm a full blown racist. Although there is no intended hatred hiding behind the jokes, hatred still lurks there and hurts people. Which is why I need to stop.

I'm guess I'm kind of a hypocrite, because I think it's harmful and homophobic to use words like "fag" (or to call something "gay") in almost any social setting but I think it's okay to use words like "kike," "nigger," or "mick" as a joke. I need to figure out where I stand... either all of these types of words are okay in some settings, or they're not, period. I can't pick and choose.

There is other, more complex issues that also undermine the trust and comfort in our friendship. I've been intentionally vague in this entry, and it might cloud what I'm trying to say, but I'd appreciate any input you might have on this. Thanks.

P.S. I'd say "kike, nigger, mick" accurately describes us as a group, although "kike, spic, mick" technically might be more accurate.

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